if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
