can u get pink eye on your cock?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
