Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
