If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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