WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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