I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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