I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
