i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
