So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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