Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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