My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
