I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
it's like iHOP with fire
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
