Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
