what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
