just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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