You can't special order awesome
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
