Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
