How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
