If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
