I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
