Whod you bang
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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