watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
