I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
