i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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