I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
