he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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