He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
