I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
