I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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