I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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