If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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