I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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