I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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