If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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