My underwear smells like fireworks.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
