you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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