When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
