Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I could make wine with my vomit
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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