I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
