Have you finally orgasmed yet?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
