My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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