If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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