Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
