Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
