don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
