Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
