the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
