New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
