I am puke
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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