My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
