just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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