HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
