Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
