Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
