the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
