drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
