need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
being pregnant is like rehab
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize