Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
