Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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