They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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