i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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