I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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